I saw this homeless man today and saw a part of myself. I thought of a question I just answered last week, “Are you giving up or giving in?”
Francis Weller describes a kind of grief, the most painful one I’ve experienced so far, around your soul’s diminished participation in the world. Ultimate rejection of your purest self.
In case you’re not familiar with it, it feels like shit. Utter isolation and agony when your heart and soul’s work doesn’t work out. Rejection that stings at the core of your being and purpose.
I wondered if that was what the homeless man felt. Then I looked at myself.
Hey, I've Been Here Before...
I’ve experienced this a couple times in my life. You know, brought to my knees.
- when my identity was completely erased after living stories that didn’t belong to me - read about it here.
- last week when my energy and soul flow left me at a place of not receiving any paid clients for my business despite being in my integrity and working with my shadow every step of the way. WTF?
Both left me in a dramatic place that I would never act on but FELT like, “I do not want to live anymore.” That kind of confusing solitary darkness. Like when the dream you put your heart and soul into seems like nothing more than cruel folly.
Oh, This is a Spiritual Zit
Having been through it before, I can only described be it as a “spiritual pimple.” A turning of a corner, if you will.
You know, you feel a zit coming on - energetically, it’s a feeling that’s something’s off but you can’t quite put your finger on it.
Then the zit shows itself on your face and it feels like everyone in the world only sees it, too. Energetically, it feels like an absolute epic public failure.
Then the zit pops where all the stuff comes out. Energetically, it’s that point of turning the corner, ultimate compression.
Since my North Star is freedom, this is the ultimate pain. To be squeezed into a small place.
Here’s what happened between my first spiritual zit and what happened last week. I learned the tools to understand what was happening the first time. This time, I got to test the tools on the gravest and deepest level yet.
The first time, I was at the bottom of a well that was dry and cracked. And clawed my way up. For 7 years.
Last week, I gave up for a split second then gave in... i called out using one of my tools, my energetic support system, to HELP ME. hold me like a baby and I experienced being rocked then submerged int a deep ocean. I saw lightbulbs of old ideas that were taking up space into what was now needed when I turned the corner. And unborn hopes and dreams dissolve so that the one I wanted now had a chance to expand. And I felt the shoulder pads and armor of protection that I carried along my soul’s timeline peel off literally. After 30 minutes of this, I felt lighter but tired.
I squeezed myself to turn that tight corner that I had no idea was around it. I was propelled forward without any juice on my end and popped into another abyss,
cleaner and lighter than the one that started this all. But, Soul tired.
So, I slept a lot, got a facial and slept a lot. I didn’t give myself room to do that last time.
The spiritual zit is healing as I feel new hope, grounded in reality, coming closer but am not quite there yet. A lot farther along in a week this time vs. the 7 years in the first example, for sure, though.
Future posts will reveal what comes out of all of this.
This Made All the Difference in the World
Here’s what I teach in the Interpreting New Information Module of the True Life Roadmap, after you transmute all the stories that don’t belong to you.
Stop wasting energy by glossing over it with happy thoughts or "shoulds" (I should be happy, look how fortunate I am) - reaffirm you’re in your North Star.
- Give in to let your energy systems and connection to Source show you what is squeezing up to the surface. You’re ready for that gift even though it feels hopeless.
- Do nothing except what you are able to do even if it means sleeping...a lot. Remember, physical matter is the densest of all matter so it moves the slowest.
- Know that it takes time to readjust to the new homeostasis so cocoon in and don’t do anything rash. It took me a couple of days for that submersion to fade away on its own.
- Tell your friends. Your grief needs to be shared and given life to fully release it’s regenerative power. They’ll get it. They’ll hold space for you. This is a step that erases any shame around grief...and the world needs that right now.
So, if you are in a corner or have ever had a similar experience, how did you get through it?